


5 Letters Steve Harrington didn't send to Jonathan Byers (+ 1 he did)

by attackonomelas



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Epistolary, Multi, Post-Season/Series 02, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-26 20:18:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17752793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attackonomelas/pseuds/attackonomelas
Summary: Dear Nancy,I’m really sorry that I told you to fuck off—Nance,I’m so sorry, it was my fault—I’m just really tired and it’s hard—Dear Jonathan...





	5 Letters Steve Harrington didn't send to Jonathan Byers (+ 1 he did)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [emef](https://archiveofourown.org/users/emef/gifts).



> additional cws: ableist language, discussion of trauma, PSTD but not with those terms, post-trauma related memory loss, discussion of unhealthy relationships & poor communication 
> 
> To my giftee: Yay, you got 2 gifts for the price of 1 because I got the deadline wrong! Sorry this is a little rushed, Ibut really wanted to get it out in time! Thanks for the cool prompt, epistolary style is alway a unique to write and while I don't think I got Steve's voice down, I did try and have a lot of fun with it.
> 
> edit may 20: good lord the previous title made no sense that's why you don't upload at 3am k bye

1\. December 25th, 1984  
  
Dear Jonathan,  
  
I really hope your Christmas is going good. I know Nancy’s family celebrates Christmas Eve so she’s probably with you guys now. We had lunch at my grandma’s and now we’re just at home in our own rooms.

I’m not sure if you know but I gave your mom some chocolates on Thursday and told her to share ‘em with you guys. I’m pretty sure you like chocolate, Dustin said you raid their junk food supplies at their nerd nights or whatever. Dustin keeps telling me to come to them, but I can’t do everything that little shithead says, I’m already driving him everywhere and paying for his shit plus it’s at Nancy’s most of the time and it’d be awkward sitting there knowing you’re upstairs having a date. I bother you enough at school.

Not to mention she’s mad at me cuz I’m a fucking asshole who yells at people trying to help me which you already know since you were sitting there at fucking lunch when I went off. I don’t even know why, I don't even remember what I said. She was asking me about my civil war essay and I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was missing something. Even when I think I know what I’m talking about, I don’t.

I didn’t even know about Dustin and that stupid dance until I heard Cathy Matthews mocking him. Who’s even pathetic enough to laugh at a middle-schooler? I thought he was fucking acting weird on the ride home but he said he danced with the prettiest girl there. He was talking about Nancy. He didn’t even think he could tell me and I don’t know if it’s cuz he was worried mentioning her would upset me or he just didn’t trust me.

And it’s stupid. She just keeps fixing things for me. She keeps talking to me. She’s too good for me. I thought we were so connected when we dated, but I don’t even know why we were together now. I feel closer to her now and we’re not even together. What did we do together for a year? Nancy was right it was all bullshit and the only one dumb enough not to realize was me. You probably think I’m desperate to get her back or something, but I’m not. I get scared thinking about it and that just makes it so fucking hard to be sitting there sometimes. When she asks me about my history essay. It’s not cuz I’m watching her fall in love with you. It’s cuz we’re both so much better off apart and I don’t know what I was thinking. I love her. I love her. I shouldn’t date her.

Like I said, stupid.

Steve

* * *

 

2\. January 1st, 1985

Dear Jonathan,

I didn’t want to tell you last night, when we were all discussing feelings, but I used to be angry at how you looked at me. You’d look sad, but not sad because I was dating the girl you liked, or sad because you got rejected, but sad for me. You looked like you pitied me. I don’t even remember a specific time you did this, but I remember your eyes looking at me. They made me so mad, I would resent Nancy for talking to you. I was uncomfortable when you talked to me. I don’t know what I was afraid you’d say but you never said it. I thought maybe you pitied me because you knew our relationship was so unstable. Because you were too kind to be smug. It was so annoying. I hated it. Too thoughtful for your good. You were the one who was pitiful, seeing things that weren’t there, waiting for me to fail, feeling bad for me. I tried not to let you or Nancy know, I thought it would make me see like a jealous asshole. I don’t know if it worked. Now I think I understand the look. I wasn’t okay, Nancy wasn’t okay, and you knew that. It is painfully obvious now, but at least we’re getting better.

* * *

 

3\. January 20th, 1985

Dear Jonathan,

Your little brother sure is a cocky piece of shit, huh. Everyone always treats him like he’s some fragile doll, but he had the biggest shit-eating grin when he revealed that dragon thing on Friday. He was damn near cackling. I don’t know what exactly the big deal was, but the boys lost their shit. If you thought they were loud when you and Nancy came back, you shoulda seen ‘em before.

I don’t know why I’m writing to you. You won’t even read this. It’s stupid, but I can’t sleep, it’s too quiet, and I was sitting here reading that stupid Shakespeare play for third period even though I already read it because I don’t remember what happened and then I remembered that’s the first class we have together tomorrow. It’s dumb but I got happy thinking about seeing you. I guess it’s cause you’re like my only real friend now that’s not 13. Well you and Nancy.

That’s still weird to me, just so you know. Being friends with you. Not cuz you’re a loser or something, but cuz I never expected it. Obviously, I was too stuck in my own ass to get to know you before I started dating Nancy, but afterward I didn’t really want to think about you and Nancy at the same time, and all I thought about was Nancy so I couldn’t really think about you. So it’s just weird now to think about you, y’know? Like, I don’t know think I’m allowed to. Like someone will come out and arrest me for knowing you pretend to hate Cyndi Lauper even though she’s Will and your mom’s favourite or that you sketch pictures while you wait for Will to get out of school or that you have seen every Hitchcock movie at least 5 times. I don't know what to do with this information but it's seared in my brain.

* * *

 

4\. February 8th, 1985

Dear Jonathan,

This is weird to say, but I don’t know who I’d be if all that upsi weird shit had never happened. I don’t even know who I was before, really. Listening to your mom tonight at dinner made me want to cry. I don’t know much but I know that I wouldn’t have done that 2 years ago. Hell, I wouldn’t have done that 2 months ago.

I didn’t even think I could feel okay after the first time. I didn’t know what to do. Nancy and I didn’t talk about it. I didn’t even let myself think about it. I was on edge, I was wondering when everything would just change and I’d lose my whole world again. I can't even remember half of what I did last year.

Then it did happen again. And I did lose my world. I lost Nancy, I got a concussion, I got stuck in that hole with Dustin and I can still smell it. I’m still scared, constantly. But this is better somehow? Is that a stupid thing to say? 

Your mom talked a lot about found family tonight and she was so right. I found you and Nancy and Dustin and the kids and your mom and Hopper and Jane. Which is really dumb I know because I just said I lost Nancy and we were all connected before, but I always write to you when I’m thinking something dumb and this time is just different.

I just feel like I can breathe easier this time, knowing I’m responsible for Dustin, knowing I can go to Hopper or your mom for advice. I don’t know. I even like knowing you two are together. I know I’m not supposed to say that and that everyone at school thinks I’m a pathetic wuss for following my ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend around and sometimes I wonder if I am, but then I think I just don’t care. It’s bullshit. I like being your friend. I like seeing you both happy. I like talking to Nancy and knowing she means what she says. I like getting to know you. I like talking about everything that’s happened with you both. I like seeing you smile. Fuck, I like knowing if Nancy gets mad at me, she won’t just leave. That we’ll work it out, and that it’ll mean something when we make up.

I blame your mom for this letter. Please don’t ever hold me accountable for it.

Steve

* * *

 

5\. February 12th, 1985

Dear Jonathan,

I shouldn’t have gone to Tommy’s tonight but I did and I’m going to be hungover in math for sure. I'm so fucked. It's 2am and I'm thinking about you and Nancy. Dustin says I stare at you like I'm staring at Nancy. He wanted to know if I’m secretly jealous of you or if I’m still in love with Nancy. Dustin is an idiot, in case you didn’t know. He's so fucking dumb and it's so stupid, I'm so stupid. I mean, obviously I’m still in love with Nancy. She’s the same person I’ve always loved, but now she’s with you and you’re so perfect together. Nancy and I didn't talk while we were dating. We only started talking with you there to ease the pressure. And you're both so smart and can help each other study. You have the same sense of humour. You fit together like puzzle pieces. You're both kind and thoughtful and sweet. It's sickening honestly. I look at you like a friend who's happy you're happy. I just want to be happy like you. Dustin doesn't know what he's saying

Fuck.

* * *

 

+1 February 14th, 1985

 **TO:** Jonathan,  
**You have a pizza my heart! Happy Valentine’s Day**  
Dustin’s making me write a card for everyone. See you tomorrow.  
**FROM:** Steve

**Author's Note:**

> I know the feelings/crush (however much Steve tries to deny them) come on way too fast after the break up and it is completely unlikely that be that he would show so much improvement from what I describe his mental state to be preS2 so quickly, let alone be self-aware of it, but what is fiction if I can't rush things a little. Regardless, I tried to fix these things by heavily implying that Steve has had feelings for Jonathan since before he was dating Nancy (I imagine developed during S1) and by trying to show Steve gained a strong support system (the kids, Jonathan & Nancy, and Joyce & Hopper) that he didn't appear to have pre-S2. Also I imagine him writing these at 2am then trying to ignore them.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it emef!


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